Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
