I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
