So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
