I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Randomize
