I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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