did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
