k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
