he wants to bone in the snuggie
barbara walters just said penis...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
