how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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