Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
