You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
