I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
