i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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