I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
