I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
