I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
