Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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