Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
