You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
This baby is an asshole
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
