I accidentally had phone sex last night
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
