I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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