Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
