I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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