well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
