Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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