If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
