my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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