Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
