Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
