she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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