God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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