If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
