I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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