I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
