We're like a lot better than the average bears
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Nicole vs. Life
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
