ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
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