i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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