True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
