Texts From Last Night · jayb87's Favorites

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.

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(661): View more from California

Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.

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(315): View more from New York

My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.

(1-315): View more from New York

I fucking hate you.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again

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(208): View more from Idaho

You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(469): View more from Texas

Tornado booty call.. dedication

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(419): View more from Ohio

We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy

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(514): View more from Quebec

It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far

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(512): View more from Texas

You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends

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(630): View more from Illinois

The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk

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(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar

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(804): View more from Virginia

she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

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(817): View more from Texas

he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.

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(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

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(443): View more from Maryland

There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.

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(406): View more from Montana

Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(906): View more from Michigan

It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.

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(805): View more from California

the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.

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(214): View more from Texas

It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...

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(949): View more from California

When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.

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(641): View more from Iowa

i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?

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(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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(315): View more from New York

My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...

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(210): View more from Texas

I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano

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(312): View more from Illinois

Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.

(1-312): View more from Illinois

None of that is ok.

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(817): View more from Texas

I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one

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(323): View more from California

I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears

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(302): View more from Delaware

Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(360): View more from Washington

I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?

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(303): View more from Colorado

she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"

(231): View more from Michigan

OMG its one we used last night

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker

(914): View more from New York

Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.

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(805): View more from California

a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot

(818): View more from California

god is laughing at you again

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(512): View more from Texas

There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I'd suck anything for a pizza right now

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(217): View more from Illinois

i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(360): View more from Washington

Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.

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(509): View more from Washington

the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating

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(303): View more from Colorado

just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals

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(516): View more from New York

I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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(516): View more from New York

She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(417): View more from Missouri

That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again

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(214): View more from Texas

Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

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(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

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(718): View more from New York

At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.

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(716): View more from New York

the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..

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(601): View more from Mississippi

she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket

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(631): View more from New York

this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed

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(716): View more from New York

once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party

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(951): View more from California

I didn't know people actually cried after sex.

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(904): View more from Florida

We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.

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(812): View more from Indiana

it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked

(1-812): View more from Indiana

tasteful.

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(850): View more from Florida

Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here

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(845): View more from New York

I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.

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(281): View more from Texas

Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.

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(301): View more from Maryland

the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee

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(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.

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(678): View more from Georgia

How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?

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(216): View more from Ohio

I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.

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(443): View more from Maryland

My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.

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(443): View more from Maryland

You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.

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(602): View more from Arizona

my dad is going to jail this weekend

(1-602): View more from Arizona

where are we going to get our weed from?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you

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(305): View more from Florida

The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?

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(804): View more from Virginia

no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR

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(772): View more from Florida

she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.

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(315): View more from New York

idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me

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(678): View more from Georgia

The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.

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(941): View more from Florida

i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head

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(734): View more from Michigan

you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"

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(208): View more from Idaho

I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."

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(817): View more from Texas

i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night

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(702): View more from Nevada

omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn

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(904): View more from Florida

if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back

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(406): View more from Montana

That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?

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(770): View more from Georgia

At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

bitch

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(949): View more from California

she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."

(949): View more from California

little did she know i was taping her the whole time.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted

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(209): View more from California

she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook

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(281): View more from Texas

my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.

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(801): View more from Utah

the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome

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(503): View more from Oregon

two words: eviction party

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(970): View more from Colorado

just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?

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(650): View more from California

Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...

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(972): View more from Texas

You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.

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(330): View more from Ohio

We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.

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(207): View more from Maine

Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...

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(520): View more from Arizona

I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie

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(949): View more from California

i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?

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(407): View more from Florida

he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse

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(646): View more from New York

in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back

(914): View more from New York

that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart

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(410): View more from Maryland

...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...

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(214): View more from Texas

just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?

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(360): View more from Washington

While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

therell be strippers and coke right?

(703): View more from Virginia

no strippers. just coke.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

i hate this fuckin recession

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?

(410): View more from Maryland

The recession has changed everything man.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You don't have asthma, your pregnant

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(734): View more from Michigan

So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

(810): View more from Michigan

You're 20.

(734): View more from Michigan

IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.

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(214): View more from Texas

I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.

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(614): View more from Ohio

i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome

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(408): View more from California

you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face

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(540): View more from Virginia

Are you pooping in the stall next to me?

(404): View more from Georgia

Maybe....

(540): View more from Virginia

Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...

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(904): View more from Florida

took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.

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(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early

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(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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(607): View more from New York

The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.

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(404): View more from Georgia

It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.

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