I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
