i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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