he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
