I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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