Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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