The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
