i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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