How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
