you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
