we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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