dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
